Archive for the ‘Psychology’ Category

Those darn teenagers!!  Have you ever heard this phrase before?  Well, if you grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, you most certainly did.  I was a teenager in the 70’s, and was I was ever so glad to turn 20 because now people could say “those darn teenagers” and it didn’t include me anymore.

What makes the teenage years so tumultous?  What has parents “pulling hair” and “climbing walls”?  I personally do not believe it is entirely your teenager’s fault.  Sometimes, I wanted to say “those darn parents, they don’t understand anything,” and I wasn’t necessarily  referring just to my parents! 

There is a scripture in Isaiah 1:18 that  says, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD.”  If more people, of any age group, would apply this to their problematic situations in life, the world would be a better place, definitely more peaceful.

The teenage years are difficult ones because it is such a transitional period for them.  They really aren’t adults yet and don’t have the critical thinking skills of adults (although sometimes I find this debatable, sometimes they have more sense) yet they aren’t children anymore.

It is wrong to invalidate anyone’s feelings, but it is especially true for teenagers.  Their feelings are extremely active during this time period.  The golden rule applies here.  If you don’t like your feelings invalidated, then don’t invalidate your teenager’s feelings.

A very prominant wrong attitude of parents during the 60’s and 70’s was “No, because I said so.”  In general this is very true.  Children must learn to respect authority, and the bottom line is that they are to obey because their parents “said so.”

The Bible commands children in Ephesians 6:1, Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”  It is repeated in Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”

But, what does the Bible command of parents? Colossians 3:21 states “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”  The amplied Bible clarifies the Greek rendering.  It reads,  “Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]“

So, how do we put this all together?  Let’s give an example.  You have a daughter that wants to go to the dance alone with a boy much older than she.  You, as a parent, are apprehensive because your daughter is only a freshman in high school with little experience with boys.  Your daughter is resolute about going, and you, as a parent, are equally resolute that she is not going.  How do you handle this situation?

First, remember the scripture in Isaiah about reasoning together.  Communication is the key in this situation.  Sit down with your daughter and say something like this, for example,

 ”Lisa, I really can relate to how you are feeling, but I hardly know this boy, and I am protective of you and love you too much to let you go out with him alone.”

So Lisa responds, “well, why don’t you get to know him then?”  (Good point).

So, you agree and ask your daughter to invite him to supper some evening.  Afterwards, you talk with your daughter again and tell her your impressions of her new boyfriend, good and bad.  After all, you might come to the conclusion you were wrong.

See how you have learned to listen, reason, and communicate?  You have acknowledged your daughter’s feelings and tried to understand how she feels.  Teenager’s do like the security of authority, and if you can give your daughter some good reasons why she should not go alone, it would surprise you how readily she might agree, if you just don’t invalidate her feelings.   

I know the upbringing of teenagers is not always this “cut and dry” but you are taking the first steps in understanding your teenagers and how they feel.

When I was still in school studying for my psychology major, I came across an actual scientific study that determined if prayer really does affect lives, especially a preventative measure for divorce.  I have it filed away somewhere,and when I find it, I will publish it but in the meantime, I felt it was important enough to blog about  right away.

Close to 80% of the couples studied stated it did prevent the divorce.  Why is that?  I think the main reason probably is that prayer gets us out of “ourselves.”  We live in such a “me, myself, and I” society that we forget that the Christian life and marriage, is not about me, but the person you marry.

Another reason I believe is prayer brings about self-disclosure.  We quite often point the finger at the other party when we have a disagreement.  Prayer brings about a humble spirit that your spouse detects and responds to in a positive way.

Marriage problems can be successfully resolved with proper communication.  One suggestion might be for each party to list the things he/she absolutely cannot live with.  I highly suggest this for engaged couples. Each needs to share their list with the other and discuss how to resolve it.  Please respect your spouse if he/she has strong feelings.  Ask yourself, do I have to have this or that, or hang on to this habit?  Review your list and see if some of the things you listed could be changed to the “I would rather not live with it category.”

Next, list all the positive things that your spouse does or does not do that you do enjoy living around.  Be generous with the compliments.

Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of play.  When you are dating and/or engaged, your relationship is 80% play and 20% work.  When you get married, it is just the opposite.  This makes having fun more important than ever.  Don’t forget the flowers, leaving notes in lunch boxes, and spending time alone, going for walks in the woods, horsebackriding or what ever sport you like best.

Marriages are fragile because it takes two to make them but only one to break them.  Some people are naturally selfish and they are not cut out for marriage.  If you find this article repulsive, you are in this category.  But, for everybody else, you can make your marriage work if you just won’t leave God out of your marriage.  You must take yourselves off the throne of your lives and let Jesus sit there.  You can do it.  It requires work and commitment, but you can do it.  The question is, how much do you really want to make your marriage work?

“I just wanted to help,” wailed Ann.

“I know you did but you made matters worse,” exclaimed an exasperated Bob.

Do those words sound familiar? Well, they should.  We all could recall memories when we made matters worse even though we meant well.   So, how do we know when to help, when to open our mouths, or when to keep them shut?  It can be a dilemma.

I think the first step is to step back.  Take a deep breath.  In other words, think it through.  Don’t just rush in.  When a judgment call is required, always remember the golden rule–”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  To paraphrase, how would you want to be treated in a similar situation?  Would you want advice, or just want company–in other words, do you want a friend that will just “be there for you.”

The second step is if you decide to get involved, make SURE you have all the facts.  Too many times, and I have seen it over and over again, people rush in and take action without getting them.  Always remember, there is ALWAYS two sides to every story, and if you are not interested in both sides, I highly recommend you stay OUT of the situation. 

The third step is to assess the seriousness of the situation.  Is it really all that serious, or is somebody’s emotions out of control as to make the situation look more serious than it is.  This is where the phrase “let it rest over night” is a good rule to follow.  Things do quite often look different in the morning.  Before you write that angry letter or leave that angry phone message, let it rest.  If you are really that angry with someone where you can’t let it rest (and I have been there, done that), go ahead and write your angry letter and hold nothing back.  Get it out of your system, but whatever you do, do NOT send it.  After 24 hours, read it again and you will probably want to re-phrase some things. You also may find out in the mean time that you flew off the handle without having all the facts.

Sometimes when someone’s pain is too overwhelming as in a death in the family, usually just “being there” is a good rule to follow.  Don’t flood them with Bible scriptures or unwanted advice.  Usually, if people want advice, they will come to you, you won’t have to go to them.

So, in conclusion, whatever the situation, the old phrase “stop, look, and listen” is a good thing to remember.

Forgiveness in a Depraved and Sadistic World

By Gail Ingebritson

            The Sunflower is the story of a Jew, Simon Wiesenthal, trying to survive Nazi Germany and its concentration camps that victimized him.  He tries to sort out his feelings to make sense out of the indescribable evil that had swept Europe at the hands of Nazi Germany.

            A perplexing circumstance came about, when he was summoned one day into the hospital to hear the confession of a dying German soldier named Karl.  Karl was guilt ridden for the role he played in exterminating the Jews.  He feels a profound need to be forgiven by the Jews, so that he can die in peace.  Simon Wiesenthal had to wrestle with himself and his inner feelings to try to understand how to cope with this dilemma of forgiveness, what it is, what it is not, and if he should forgive this Nazi soldier.  This essay will address these issues of forgiveness, how they apply to us, and the dilemma of Simon Wiesenthal.

            The answer for Simon Wiesenthal is a definite YES, because he will never be set free until he does.  St. Peter stresses this when he writes that “A man is a slave to whatever has mastered [defeated] him (2Peter 2:19 NIV).” Forgiveness is one area that is central to Christian Psychology, not necessarily because it is mandated in the Bible, but because of its therapeutic effects–where God, with His certain absolutes, the patient, and the therapist, work together as a team.  This is one area where Christian psychology veers off in another direction from secular psychology.  Secular psychology, with its atheistic premise, is mired in its philosophy of logical empiricism which is a puny little philosophy (among thousands since Socrates) that emerged after World War I.  The reasoning of logical empiricism is circular because it cannot prove there is not a God.

            Forgiveness is a process, more so than an act to perform.  This concept cannot be emphasized enough.  Secondly, we cannot change our hearts–only God can do this.  We can desire to forgive, and ask God to change our hearts; but, the act of forgiveness is from God, and God only.

            To understand the process of forgiveness, we have to understand what it is not.  It does not consist of attitudes that reflect defeatism such as “you are getting away with it,” or “I’m sorry.”   It is also not saying “You win, I lose” or “I’m weak.” It does not even suggest that you have to approve or agree with what the other person involved did.

            Forgiveness involves allowing God room to work things out for you by letting go of your grudge, and leaving it in God’s hands.  It is a choice, not a feeling, and it is God’s way to freedom.

            The question raised as to where God was during this period of time is quite simple–right there in the middle of it; just one prayer away.  It never ceases to amaze me how much suffering it takes for people to repent, and realize that they have taken a wrong turn theologically. The Jews rejected their Messiah and it cost them everything.  Salvation comes through Jesus now, which is why we pray to God “in the name of Jesus.”  Orthodox Jews, even today, still persecute the Messianic Jews.  When  Jews convert, they know that they have to give up everything, including their family, friends, and home. 

            Jesus says that “if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out, and throw it away.  It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:29 NIV) Jesus was using this as an illustration for suffering.  To paraphrase, Jesus is saying that God will let us endure whatever suffering is necessary, if that is the only way an individual will repent, and finally say, “I give up.” Hundreds of Afghanistan Muslims came to this conclusion when they experienced their severe hardships after the Soviet Union invaded their country in the 1970s. They finally took the time to stop and think it through as to what kind of a God they were serving; but, it was the extreme suffering, and nothing else, that caused them to repent at the hands of Christian missionaries that reached out to them either personally or by radio. 

            Forgiveness is wrapped up in the question of where was God when the Jews were being exterminated, because God suffered the same pain and suffering through Jesus on the cross; and, Jesus forgave the Jews while dying on the cross, and he does expect the same from us because God is not giving us what we deserve.  It is also appropriate to remind us of what the Jews shouted to Pilate on the day Jesus was crucified– “Crucify Him–and let His blood be on us and our children.” (Matthew 27:25 NIV) Perhaps they got what they prayed for.

           Also, God did provide a way of escape before WWII through the founder of modern Zionism, Theodor Hertzl.  He issued a call for all Jews to return to Palestine.  Very few responded, except those with a “heart” for the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  But, those who did, escaped the horrors of the Holocaust.    This definitely does not imply that the Jews suffering the Holocaust were not good Jews, they were.    Man’s inhumanity to man is a never ending wonder to me.  What do they see in evil?  How does this give them peace and satisfaction in life? 

         To summarize, it must be stressed again, that forgiveness is a process more so than an act.  Sometimes it takes us awhile to work through our feelings to be able to forgive, but the healing comes, if we give ourselves, and God a chance.

What makes a great Mom?  Anybody can be a mother–but not everyone can be a “mommy.”  One thing my grandmother always said, is that “you only get one chance at it. Once they are grown, it is over.  I have learned from my mistakes but I can’t undo them.  To complicate things, I have to sit back and watch my children make the same mistakes and I can’t say anything or I am interfering.”
 
I think a great Mom is a good listener.  Hear what your children are saying.  A great Mom is a teacher.  Talk to your children especially when they have bad attitudes so you can “nip things in the bud before they sprout.”  Watch how they intermingle with their friends.  How do they treat them?  How can you teach them to improve their relationships?  Ask why they are behaving the way they are so they can learn to think things through.  When punishment is in order, ask them what they think they deserve.  Quite often they will think of a harsher punishment than you will, but let them know the final decision is yours.
 
Another attribute of a great Mom is dependablity and reliability.  Children must feel secure and know you can be trusted to tell the truth.  They need to know you will be there if needed.  Reliability is the ability to examine yourself and keep yourself in check so that your accuracy can be high when it comes to decision making and role-modeling.  Realiability also involves being able to admit when you are wrong and your child is right.  (It does happen, you know) This teaches them honesty with themselves and others.
 
Remember, your child is a gift from God.  You have only one chance to get it right.  So, do what it takes to get it right.