Archive for the ‘Marriage and family’ Category

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Starting Young August 23, 2010 Our Daily Bread is hosted by Les Lamborn   READ: Proverbs 2 My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, . . . you will understand the fear of the Lord. —Proverbs 2:1,5 Addie was a bit worried. Before we all sat down for Sunday dinner, someone had started eating. That’s when our 3-year-old granddaughter said, “We haven’t prayed yet.” She was concerned that we might forget to give thanks. Her concern was a good sign. It showed that at her young age, Addie was beginning to form one of those good habits that parents teach their children as part of their instructions for life. This little routine, for instance, helps her see the value of prayer and thanksgiving, which can be a powerful resource for her in the years ahead. Raising children in an age of hostility toward the Christian faith is not easy. Parents wonder how best to help their little ones learn to trust the Savior and live to please Him. Proverbs indicates that a key to directing children is through purposeful instruction by parents (Prov. 1:8) on such things as listening to wisdom (2:2), seeking discernment (2:3), understanding the fear of the Lord (2:5), recalling parents’ teaching (3:1), and gaining insight (4:1). These become habitual when parents give instruction and when children “retain” those words of teaching (4:1-4). Got kids or grandkids? It’s never too early to begin instructing them in wise living. —Dave Branon God gives us children for a time To teach them how to love the Lord, To train them in His righteous ways, To follow and obey His Word. —Sper The character of your children tomorrow depends on what you put into their hearts today.

 FROM GAIL:

There is a concept in psychology called “self-prophecy.”  What this means is that kids will act the way you expect them to act.  This works in the negative and the positive.  Always remember to be careful what you role model for your kids.  The only way they learn respect is for you to show them respect.  Be honest with yourself in front of your kids so they can learn honesty.  The list is endless.  Invite your children to express their feelings openly and honestly.

There is a saying I heard years ago that goes something like this:

A PERSON’S TRUE CHARACTER IS REVEALED BY WHAT HE DOES WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING!

Nobody’s words and actions can be congruent all the time because none of us is perfect.  However, we need to always be aware of our words and actions, especially around our children.  They are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I don’t think children expect their parents not to make mistakes.  They aren’t perfect children so they do not expect their parents to be perfect either.  The important thing is that when you do err as a parent, own up to it.  This, in turn, sets a good example for your children. 

Never be afraid to tell your child you are wrong.  Never invalidate their feelings, and make them feel they can talk to you honestly and frankly, even if it is something negative.

Remember, how you come across to your children subconsciously translates into how they perceive God.  Is God good, kind, and loving, or mean and abusive?  Can you pray honestly and frankly  to God, or do you have to “walk on eggs” in your prayers? Does God have boundary lines for obedience?  Does He have an instruction book?

God has set a good example to parents on how to raise their children.  All we need to do is follow in the footsteps of Jesus.

” I don’t know right from wrong.” You would be surprised how many people, especially young people,  relate to this statement.  This isn’t the kid’s fault.  It is the adults.  So, next time you are tempted to say, “those darn teenagers,” think again.  You should be saying “those darn parents,”  because 98% of the time, that is the case.

Why is that?  Because parents and adults have “fallen down on the job.”  Kids used to be the center of the lives of adults, now they are on the peripheral.  Hollywood used to care about the kids.  In the 60’s Hollywood couldn’t even use the word “sex” on TV.

Legally, freedom of speech  doesn’t allow you to yell fire in the theatre and cause mass panic because it infringes on other people’s rights.  Corrupting the kids use to fall under this category also, but doesn’t any more.

So, let’s use God’s standard of right and wrong.  Let’s start with the 10 commandments, and these are ten commandments, not ten suggestions!!

They are found in Exodus 20.

1. Thou shalt not have any gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

3. “Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain.

 4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

  5.  ”Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

  6.  “Thou shalt not kill.

  7.  “Thou shalt not commit adultery.

  8.  “Thou shalt not steal.

  9.  “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

10.”Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.”

Basically, anything you put before God is an idol.

Now, the next question rears its ugly head, “I know I am supposed to love, but I don’t know how.  Somehow, I can’t get the job accomplished.  What is love?

The best definition of love God gives us is in I Corinthians 13

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

 8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

 11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

 13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Remember, without God, Paul said he could do nothing.  You are no different.  Only God can change hearts.  Let him change yours today. Jesus is only one prayer away.

 

I’M STILL STANDING

When relationships break down, emotions run high.  You feel like the world has come to an end, but guess what?  The sun will still rise and set the next day, God is still on the throne, and Jesus is still King.

What have you learned from the experience?  Perhaps now you know the genuine from the disingenuine.   Perhaps now, you will recognize who really cares about you and who doesn’t.

Remember, when boys ask for sex, just say no.  It is a good test to see if they really care about you, or just care what they can get out of you.  If they won’t respect your feelings, they are just using you. ‘Save yourself for your true lover–your future husband.  It will be worth it.

I had an experience like this once when I was younger.  My boyfriend wanted to go all the way, and it was tempting for the momentary pleasure, but I said no.  He respected it, but later I found out things I didn’t know.  I was so grateful and relieved I hadn’t given up my virginity.  I would have felt so used and abused.

Remember, it isn’t worth it for just a momentary pleasure.  The consequences are forever, especially if you pick up a disease.

Those darn teenagers!!  Have you ever heard this phrase before?  Well, if you grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, you most certainly did.  I was a teenager in the 70’s, and was I was ever so glad to turn 20 because now people could say “those darn teenagers” and it didn’t include me anymore.

What makes the teenage years so tumultous?  What has parents “pulling hair” and “climbing walls”?  I personally do not believe it is entirely your teenager’s fault.  Sometimes, I wanted to say “those darn parents, they don’t understand anything,” and I wasn’t necessarily  referring just to my parents! 

There is a scripture in Isaiah 1:18 that  says, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD.”  If more people, of any age group, would apply this to their problematic situations in life, the world would be a better place, definitely more peaceful.

The teenage years are difficult ones because it is such a transitional period for them.  They really aren’t adults yet and don’t have the critical thinking skills of adults (although sometimes I find this debatable, sometimes they have more sense) yet they aren’t children anymore.

It is wrong to invalidate anyone’s feelings, but it is especially true for teenagers.  Their feelings are extremely active during this time period.  The golden rule applies here.  If you don’t like your feelings invalidated, then don’t invalidate your teenager’s feelings.

A very prominant wrong attitude of parents during the 60’s and 70’s was “No, because I said so.”  In general this is very true.  Children must learn to respect authority, and the bottom line is that they are to obey because their parents “said so.”

The Bible commands children in Ephesians 6:1, Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”  It is repeated in Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”

But, what does the Bible command of parents? Colossians 3:21 states “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”  The amplied Bible clarifies the Greek rendering.  It reads,  “Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]“

So, how do we put this all together?  Let’s give an example.  You have a daughter that wants to go to the dance alone with a boy much older than she.  You, as a parent, are apprehensive because your daughter is only a freshman in high school with little experience with boys.  Your daughter is resolute about going, and you, as a parent, are equally resolute that she is not going.  How do you handle this situation?

First, remember the scripture in Isaiah about reasoning together.  Communication is the key in this situation.  Sit down with your daughter and say something like this, for example,

 ”Lisa, I really can relate to how you are feeling, but I hardly know this boy, and I am protective of you and love you too much to let you go out with him alone.”

So Lisa responds, “well, why don’t you get to know him then?”  (Good point).

So, you agree and ask your daughter to invite him to supper some evening.  Afterwards, you talk with your daughter again and tell her your impressions of her new boyfriend, good and bad.  After all, you might come to the conclusion you were wrong.

See how you have learned to listen, reason, and communicate?  You have acknowledged your daughter’s feelings and tried to understand how she feels.  Teenager’s do like the security of authority, and if you can give your daughter some good reasons why she should not go alone, it would surprise you how readily she might agree, if you just don’t invalidate her feelings.   

I know the upbringing of teenagers is not always this “cut and dry” but you are taking the first steps in understanding your teenagers and how they feel.

When I was still in school studying for my psychology major, I came across an actual scientific study that determined if prayer really does affect lives, especially a preventative measure for divorce.  I have it filed away somewhere,and when I find it, I will publish it but in the meantime, I felt it was important enough to blog about  right away.

Close to 80% of the couples studied stated it did prevent the divorce.  Why is that?  I think the main reason probably is that prayer gets us out of “ourselves.”  We live in such a “me, myself, and I” society that we forget that the Christian life and marriage, is not about me, but the person you marry.

Another reason I believe is prayer brings about self-disclosure.  We quite often point the finger at the other party when we have a disagreement.  Prayer brings about a humble spirit that your spouse detects and responds to in a positive way.

Marriage problems can be successfully resolved with proper communication.  One suggestion might be for each party to list the things he/she absolutely cannot live with.  I highly suggest this for engaged couples. Each needs to share their list with the other and discuss how to resolve it.  Please respect your spouse if he/she has strong feelings.  Ask yourself, do I have to have this or that, or hang on to this habit?  Review your list and see if some of the things you listed could be changed to the “I would rather not live with it category.”

Next, list all the positive things that your spouse does or does not do that you do enjoy living around.  Be generous with the compliments.

Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of play.  When you are dating and/or engaged, your relationship is 80% play and 20% work.  When you get married, it is just the opposite.  This makes having fun more important than ever.  Don’t forget the flowers, leaving notes in lunch boxes, and spending time alone, going for walks in the woods, horsebackriding or what ever sport you like best.

Marriages are fragile because it takes two to make them but only one to break them.  Some people are naturally selfish and they are not cut out for marriage.  If you find this article repulsive, you are in this category.  But, for everybody else, you can make your marriage work if you just won’t leave God out of your marriage.  You must take yourselves off the throne of your lives and let Jesus sit there.  You can do it.  It requires work and commitment, but you can do it.  The question is, how much do you really want to make your marriage work?

Have you ever watched Little House On The Prairie or The Waltons and say to yourself , “this isn’t reality?  It just is too idealistic.”  Well, perhaps it is in the narcissitic society we live in today, but was it so idealistic in the time period these shows were cast in when times were hard and everybody had to band together to survive?  What made these marriages work?  What do they both have in common? 

As a psychology major, I analyzed the characters in these two shows and came to the conclusion they both had one thing in common–they both loved their spouses more than themselves.  That is the key.

One well known concept in psychology is that we as individuals don’t know ourselves near as well as we think we do.  In other words, we can say we love our spouse more than ourself, but do our actions betray us?

So how does one do it?  It is easier said than done.  One well-known Christian counselor that has written many books on making marriage and family work is Dr. Gary Chapman.  I haven’t read all his books, but I do like The Five Love Languages.  In this book he describes men and women as having one distinct love language that they respond to more than the others.  The five love languages are:  Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.  One marriage couple that was counseled, the wife complained that she doesn’t feel loved as her husband never spent any time with her.  His reply was “what do you mean you don’t feel loved?  I shower you with gifts and flowers…”  The problem was gifts wasn’t her primary love language, but quality time was.

All relationships involve conflict, but how we handle the conflict is the key to success.  All relationships take work, give, and take.  If you want a good marriage you must work at it.  If you aren’t willing, then you probably aren’t cut out for marriage.  There is nothing wrong with being single.  We just need to recognize that we don’t get married because it is the cultural thing to do.   Marriage is a completely different lifestyle and if you aren’t ready to give up “yourself” then don’t do it.

We all know what a fast is.  The thought of going without food makes us grimace.  But, what about a 40 day fast from wrong thinking?  What is that?

Pastor Gregory Dickow has a revolutionary plan to help people change their negative thinking little by little.  I personally haven’t gone on the fast, but I have heard him talk about it many times, and there are multitudes of wonderful testimonies from those that have.

It is true that we “are what we think.”  Our thoughts do  control our feelings.

Today, I would encourage you to log onto his website and prayerfully review it and see if this program is for you.  Just log on to:   www.changinglives.org

In conclusion, please remember Romans 8:31  What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

There are many set backs in life that we view as “earth shattering.”  Divorce is one of them. Marriage is fragile because it takes two to make it, but only one to break it.
 
We ask the question, “why me?” or “what could I have done differently?”
 
Speaking from experience, the worst thing you can do is turn inward.  Don’t play the “blame game.”  I personally blamed God.  I felt like I gave Him my life, always prayed for the right partner in life, but it turned out to be a mistake from the beginning.  I saw how He blessed other Christian marriages, but not mine.
 
I finally had to come to grips with myself that it was my decision, and I would have to take responsibility for it.  It was also my decision to not stick it out for better or for worse as I pledged I would.
 
Now that I am a psychology major, I know how I could have handled things better, although I make no excuses for my ex. I can now offer some suggestions to help others.
 
After it is all over, the first thing you need to do is to sit down and take a big deep breath.  Breath in and say “I am starting a new life.”  Breath out and say “I am letting go of my past.”
 
Second, give yourself time!!  Never marry on the rebound. Learn to enjoy being single. Get a spiral notebook and journal your feelings.  What have you learned? How will you do things differently next time?
 
It seems like life is over, but it is not.  Tomorrow is a fresh new day with no mistakes in it!!