Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What
do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re
out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Who says blondes are stupid!

  A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’ 

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’ 

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. 
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. 

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’ 

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. 

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’ 

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR THE MOON?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’  The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLES

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, ‘What’s the story?’ 

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’ 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? 

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ 

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’ 

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ 

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ 

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’  ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. 

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong. “I feel terrible,”! He explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.” 

The blonde says,” Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

“What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?” 

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

 It says..



(Are you ready for this?)(Are you sure?)
(You know you’re gonna be sorry) (Last chance)

(OK, here it is)It says,
  

“Hair Spray 
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave.”

Horse sense is something horses have that

keep them from betting on people.  It makes more sense to bet on another horse.